Existentialism on prom night

So I'm in an airport, waiting to travel home for a little break. It feels like I'm about to start a new chapter, I don't know. Like a big change happened. It hasn't really, but its how it seems. I passed my oral exam, the next big step on my way to my PhD. As of now, I'm kind of on cruise control with it, and seem way way way ahead of schedule. My oral was exceptionally good, I am told, and now I get ready to publish :-) .

As far as Minnesota goes, Milli decided we shouldn't talk again, which I'm OK with. The phone number is gone, and she has the option to contact me if she ever feels like it. In all honesty, its hard for me to care too much about that. I mean, compared to Erica, Erin, Sabrina, hell even Megan, this was like a little summer fling I guess? I've gotten good at getting over things, and I'm not really sure there was that much to get over in the first place. One thing I've learned about myself is its much easier for me to control/direct my emotions than I think most people can. Its easy for me to like someone, but its also easy for me to move on/turn it off. Anyways, its over, and I get to keep a nice little box of memories, and burn whatever I don't need from it. Its the best way to live life, or at least the only way I know how.

Speaking of which, randomness seems to be my thing lately. Not randomness in the actions, but in the more cosmic sense. Like fate, random little events keep giving me adventures, keep me moving, and I'm trying to just embrace it for now.

I got a message from this woman I met on the plane last time I was in Oregon, Chrissy. No contact with her since then (about 6 months ago). Turns out, there is this 100 mile relay race in Vermont at the end of August (6 people per team, 14-18 miles of running depending on the leg), and I got asked to be a team member since she is on a team who needs one more runner. So I'm going to be running (racing?) in Vermont, which I think is going to be really cool. I've never actually been, so chalk this up for more experience. I guess while I'm young, I'm enjoying collecting them.



Maybe at some point, I'll be done. And have all the experiences I need before moving on to the next moment. But not yet, not now. Now I'm content to collect these moments. Its been a wild, fun ride, the last few years. And I plan to keep it that way.


Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXdLUcqwBSg

Beyond beautiful...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would

Give my regards to grace and virtue

Today was beautiful. I'm getting back into shape after the last three weeks or so were crap for training (reasons mostly are due to travel, between Albany and MN). But things are back on track. The whole 90's and humid is killer though.

However, at the end of the run, it just started raining. And it felt so good, just letting it wash over me, cleaning the sticky sweat off with something so pure in a sense. I know its not really, but the cold of it against the skin after that run, and feeling it drip off my face, gives it something more than what it is. And the lightning started. Oh the lightning. Nothing that came towards the ground really, but stayed in the clouds. And lit up the sky.

The drive back it got more intense, as I drove towards the center of the storm. There is something about driving into the storm. A few times a minute, the whole sky would light up, like a bomb went off. There is nothing so beautiful. It was pretty dark, almost nine at night, and then in a heartbeat, a yellow, blue, or red flash, now and then mixed with streaking blue lights flickering across.

And this is why I live. This beauty that surrounds these every day things. Its hard for me to not be happy with my life, when I can see this and just get lost in it. I've taken my licks a lot lately, but who hasn't, and I'm still alright. And that's what matters isn't it? You get knocked down, but I don't let it keep me down, because all these little, insignificant things that happen to me are just that, insignificant. Who cares about these things. This life is about these little beautiful moments, and I'm content to take them, and leave the rest. Because when its over, all we have is our moments.

Where the title comes from:

Human by The Killers

Musing

I wish I was a more bitter person sometimes. I think it would be fun. Then I could totally relate to this song. But its still fun to pretend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVk_e31dnlE

I love Ben Folds.

The Last One Home

Everyone I've talked to says these things need to change about me. I'm impulsive, I'm reckless, I act without a lot of thinking.

And things I do usually don't end that great.

But the path in between has never been not worth it. My instincts have never been wrong. And I don't have any real regrets.

So fuck it, I'm just gonna keep on doing what I do.

Shades of blue

Slow this life to a crawl,

just to feel it float around me,

strands of cobwebs, wrapping around a disconnected soul,

floating on the water, in the breeze of the summer,

with the sun beating down as we fade.

Shaken and tossed about,

as my leaves fall to the ground,

and I bare my branches, for the world to see.

The chill in the morning, as pieces of me are blown in the wind.

And I fall.

To feel the cold, across the hardened earth,

To feel life hiding, underground, underwhelmed.

and forgetting everything, just to survive, into the spring.

Where we are reborn, as the ice melts.

Dancing in the wind, of the coming day.

Red and violet, yellow.

Singing our souls to a sky

Floating and free.

Just to do it again.

Do you see the pictures on the walls?

So here I am, up in Albany, and I spent all day driving. Well mostly, I woke up early and ran in Avalon this morning, through these beautiful fields that are there, totally in bloom. It's a sea of yellow flowers right now, with the occasional white and purple and blue, and is stunning. Its moments like these that the spirituality in the things we do come out. I don't believe in a god, or a religion, but I do believe in this spiritual feeling that I get sometimes, if that's the right word. I guess I don't really know, but I'm ok with that. And now that I'm in Albany, its exciting. I don't get to see family very much anymore, and I get to see my brother. We weren't that close for a long time, but since I've moved to NY, and he is in NY, we've become a lot closer. I feel like I should visit him more than twice a year though. But it is what it is, and I'll work on that. Its nice, actually getting closer to a family member, instead of growing apart. I wish, and think that with some of my relationships, I really need to work on that (mostly meaning towards my dad). I will.

Switch topic.

And the drive, the drive up here. Is amazing. I took the road less traveled by avoiding the expressway, and took the Taconic Parkway. And for 80 something miles, it is just winding through trees and forests, with the occasional rock wall, a beautiful bridge towering above the water, and a few amazing views. Every 10 miles or so is some sign for a park, or lake, and I have to resist the urge every time to derail my trip and just go on an adventure to them. But, I'll have adventures in Albany too.

And my most exciting thing from this trip, something that never gets old, I saw a sign for Poughkeepsie. I don't know what it is with me, but there is this song, I woke up in a car, that I want to go to the places mentioned in it really bad, no matter how mundane or small, and there is a line,

I caught a train to Poughkeepsie, and time stood still...

And whenever I see the sign for that place, I can't help but smile, and want to just drive off my path to it. So far I haven't. But the urge is there, calling.

And then off the Taconic, I meandered through farm lands, with little places by the side of the road, offering berries and apples, and pies, and fresh vegetables. I miss those from back home. Its one of the things I miss the most. The apple trees we had, the ability to just go to our backyard, and pick as many blackberries as we could eat, having the garden, the strawberries and raspberries and blueberries and plums and pears. And seeing them makes me feel. At home.

And this whole time, through all of these things, I was wishing I could share them with a certain someone, and I think the most exciting thing to me is that in a month, I can. I can show someone the things that make up the details of me, and I'm beyond excited to do it.

Or maybe I'm just excited to easily?

I don't know. Maybe.

Maybe not.