So after what can only be described as an epic New Years Eve in Brooklyn, I guess I should write the basic resolutions.

A.) Get serious and set some new PR's on the track and the roads. Obviously.

B.) Get serious again about learning Mandarin.

C.) Publications.

D.) Upstate more for some epic hiking. Become more in tune with myself.

These are intentionally not really specific, but its all I have. I love my life, there isn't that much that needs to be focused on to change?

A thread through the unknown

I haven't written in this in forever, but now is as good a time as any to start. Today marks the end of one year, the beginning of another. The last year has been one in which looking back it seems like I should be struggling and hurt. Sabrina, who I spent the last 2 and change years being with off and on, and I are no longer on speaking terms. Things were great for the first 6 months of the year. I couldn't have asked for better. And then she went back to China and everything changed. What she needed changed, and I was left digging for answers of where things went wrong. The truth of the matter is nothing went wrong. We were just two different people going two different directions, and our paths merged for a while. And the truth is, the first two years of the relationship, that's exactly what I needed, a travelling companion on the road. And I like to think that's what she needed too. And at the end, we just didn't need that anymore. She saw that before I did, but in all honesty, it was inevitable. And I think we both are better for it, and closer to that destination of happiness and peace. We split amicably, but then one night a few months later I met Jessica through a mutual friend, and Sabrina abruptly refused to talk to me anymore. I'm ok with that, but its not the ending I had hoped for. Back to Jessica. I spent most of the night I met her just talking to her. And it felt good. So we made plans and met up. And I learned my whole outlook on relationships had changed. This was all about sharing experiences. From NYC, the zoo, aquariums, corn mazes, and a wonderful Jack's Mannequin concert. We did things. We got out more than I had in a while. But that was one that was sure to burn out fast. I knew it would, I think she did. But truth be told, I didn't really care. It was all about having fun. When it ended, it wasn't great, but it was what it was. This ending happened right after thanksgiving. So here I am today.

And where is that? Life isn't always great for me, but I am content. Work is more fun than ever, I'm actually finding a passion for what I do. It's hard, I've been rejected from journals and talks, but the struggle is what makes it worthwhile. And when I do get results, its a beautiful thing. Hopefully in a month or two I can share a link to a journal article of mine. The crazy thing is, I don't even care about graduating anymore.

I have my group that I run with, and have formed a core close group of friends. I have a job that I like. I have friends in that job too. I've had amazing experiences with relationships. I think the answer is that I have found a home, even though I miss my family. The truth is the world just keeps getting smaller and smaller, so even being on the other side of the country, I'm not that far away.

So where do I go from here? You'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Ocean to Sound 2010

Quick recap of Ocean to Sound race.

Sunday morning, at 5:15, I hit the alarm, ate, got on the road by 5:35 before the sun was up, and met the team at the Sayville Running Company to carpool to the start of Ocean to Sound. It’s a relay race composed of 8 legs, ranging in distance between 5.7 and 7 miles. This was my first team race in a long time, and was excited beyond measure for it. There is something so much more fun running with a team than solo. Anyways, layout pretty much went, in order of legs, Nehr, Mike, B, Beach, Soultan, Holl, me, and Adam on anchor. I had a long time to wait until I ran, as my leg started ~36 miles in. So anyways, here is the brief recap of the race…
Lynbrook showed up (made up of also, a bunch of solid ex-college runners. We are deeper, but their top are better than ours). Their lead off is their best, Dan Mcgrath, a mid 2:20’s marathoner. Nehr did great though, kept us within 30 seconds. Next two legs for us, we put in a good lead, because this is where they put in their weakest (our weakest were legs 4 and 5). Going into 4 we had built almost a 6 minute lead, which evaporated to 1:30ish by leg 6. Holl is one of our strong runners, but they put on a really really good guy there, and our lead turned into ~20 second deficit by leg 7. I was behind and nervous as fuck, as I didn’t want to be the one to blow it.
Leg 7 is a hilly leg, and also the longest. I take off hard, and by about a mile close to within 10 seconds. We take a turn up a steeeep hill and all the wheels come off. About 300 meters up… Brendan has driven up the hill and is yelling we need to turn around… we went the wrong way. Lynbrook’s guy (Shaun Mcgrath) was a little under 10 second in front of me at that point, and I waited for him to pass me again, and offered to spot him 10 seconds, he turned it down (I think most would, but I had to ask anyways). We get back down, and start the grind up the main hill of the leg, decently steep, about a mile long. Shaun sticks with me up it, and a bit after the crest. Some point by 2.5 in, he has lost contact though, I don’t really know. At this point I was running with the fear of god in me, worried of ruining our leg, and just moving the best I could. I clicked off some decent middle miles, until about 4.5 in, when long straights started. I was still rolling until about 5 decently, and then at like 6ish, steep steep uphill number two… And I was crawling. Anyways, after that hauled it in the straight to the finish, 7 miles in (with 600-700 extra) in 41:29. Finally got a measure of the gap. 2:05 I had put on him for a total of a 2:25 swing to the hand off to Adam.
Adam rolled, and the rest is history. He put an extra 2:05 on top of what I did, we won. Fourth year in a row SRC guys have won. The women’s team also pulled off a W. All in all, it was a great day. The competition was pretty awesome, being so close so late. And running with a team is great. The burning in my legs I missed a ton too. This has really gotten me psyched for running again. I feel like I’m in shape (I think I averaged in the 5:30’s if you count the off course section). My mileage is getting up there. I’m healthy. Life is good.

Existentialism on prom night

So I'm in an airport, waiting to travel home for a little break. It feels like I'm about to start a new chapter, I don't know. Like a big change happened. It hasn't really, but its how it seems. I passed my oral exam, the next big step on my way to my PhD. As of now, I'm kind of on cruise control with it, and seem way way way ahead of schedule. My oral was exceptionally good, I am told, and now I get ready to publish :-) .

As far as Minnesota goes, Milli decided we shouldn't talk again, which I'm OK with. The phone number is gone, and she has the option to contact me if she ever feels like it. In all honesty, its hard for me to care too much about that. I mean, compared to Erica, Erin, Sabrina, hell even Megan, this was like a little summer fling I guess? I've gotten good at getting over things, and I'm not really sure there was that much to get over in the first place. One thing I've learned about myself is its much easier for me to control/direct my emotions than I think most people can. Its easy for me to like someone, but its also easy for me to move on/turn it off. Anyways, its over, and I get to keep a nice little box of memories, and burn whatever I don't need from it. Its the best way to live life, or at least the only way I know how.

Speaking of which, randomness seems to be my thing lately. Not randomness in the actions, but in the more cosmic sense. Like fate, random little events keep giving me adventures, keep me moving, and I'm trying to just embrace it for now.

I got a message from this woman I met on the plane last time I was in Oregon, Chrissy. No contact with her since then (about 6 months ago). Turns out, there is this 100 mile relay race in Vermont at the end of August (6 people per team, 14-18 miles of running depending on the leg), and I got asked to be a team member since she is on a team who needs one more runner. So I'm going to be running (racing?) in Vermont, which I think is going to be really cool. I've never actually been, so chalk this up for more experience. I guess while I'm young, I'm enjoying collecting them.



Maybe at some point, I'll be done. And have all the experiences I need before moving on to the next moment. But not yet, not now. Now I'm content to collect these moments. Its been a wild, fun ride, the last few years. And I plan to keep it that way.


Existentialism on Prom Night - Straylight Run

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXdLUcqwBSg

Beyond beautiful...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would

Give my regards to grace and virtue

Today was beautiful. I'm getting back into shape after the last three weeks or so were crap for training (reasons mostly are due to travel, between Albany and MN). But things are back on track. The whole 90's and humid is killer though.

However, at the end of the run, it just started raining. And it felt so good, just letting it wash over me, cleaning the sticky sweat off with something so pure in a sense. I know its not really, but the cold of it against the skin after that run, and feeling it drip off my face, gives it something more than what it is. And the lightning started. Oh the lightning. Nothing that came towards the ground really, but stayed in the clouds. And lit up the sky.

The drive back it got more intense, as I drove towards the center of the storm. There is something about driving into the storm. A few times a minute, the whole sky would light up, like a bomb went off. There is nothing so beautiful. It was pretty dark, almost nine at night, and then in a heartbeat, a yellow, blue, or red flash, now and then mixed with streaking blue lights flickering across.

And this is why I live. This beauty that surrounds these every day things. Its hard for me to not be happy with my life, when I can see this and just get lost in it. I've taken my licks a lot lately, but who hasn't, and I'm still alright. And that's what matters isn't it? You get knocked down, but I don't let it keep me down, because all these little, insignificant things that happen to me are just that, insignificant. Who cares about these things. This life is about these little beautiful moments, and I'm content to take them, and leave the rest. Because when its over, all we have is our moments.

Where the title comes from:

Human by The Killers

Musing

I wish I was a more bitter person sometimes. I think it would be fun. Then I could totally relate to this song. But its still fun to pretend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVk_e31dnlE

I love Ben Folds.

The Last One Home

Everyone I've talked to says these things need to change about me. I'm impulsive, I'm reckless, I act without a lot of thinking.

And things I do usually don't end that great.

But the path in between has never been not worth it. My instincts have never been wrong. And I don't have any real regrets.

So fuck it, I'm just gonna keep on doing what I do.